The broken window that wrecked my life!

When you see your life spiriling out of control and you are so depressed that you can't even see it, everyone seems to think that you okay. The faces that we put on each day can be a facade that not many can see through... When you thought I was just lazy, you couldn't see the battle that went on just to get up and face each day. When you thought I was being mean you couldn't understand that I was thinking of how I thought you should be treatng me. When you saw me sad, you just saw me sad, you never thought I wished I didn't exsist. You saw the happy face and assumed all was well. You never thought to ask why I was tired all the time. You never thought to look at my hands to see the marks I left on myself. You never looked deep into my eyes to see the tears. You never did, but it wouldn't have mattered if you did. I hid it well. I lived my life each day with a smile on face when anyone was around, I kept my hands closed, and my glasses or makeup cover my eyes... The battle was within, the battled lived in my head and grew like a cancer in my heart. Then you left and nothing else seemed to mattered. Thats when you assumed the worst in me and never let me explain. That's when the battle started to flow outside like a growth on my back that weighed me down to a point that I no longer cared. No answer would be good enough, No excuse would be heard. Your mind was made and thats all that mattered! Your mind, your feelings, your assumptions overruled anything I could say! Thank you for assuming the worst because it was then that I saw it too and then I realized somethings had to change. Thank you to the person that crashed my life and gave me the stregth to move on be who I am today I wish I knew you in person so I could show you the pain you caused and the friendships you broke but God knew you would do what you did and knew each event that would occur after so Thank you for breaking that window! ...

Crash and Burn

WOW, It's been a busy weekend. School is quickly appproaching for my oldest so all the must do's have been keeping me busy! Good, I suppose but the "crash" feelings are always so hard for me to deal with... Crash feelings is what I call that adrenaline crash where I can go and go and go and feel fine as long as I stay busy but then once all the commotion stops, I crash. Those jitters come on, My head starts to hurts and my heart races and I feel like shutting down. That makes getting anything around the house done very difficult which makes me feel worse about who I am as a Mom and wife and instead of doing something about it, I crawl in bed and just avoid it all. UGH... The cycle is never ending. Tonight as soon as the kids go to sleep, I'm going to try to do something about it because sleep isn't happening, even with the medicine I am on! We'll see how it goes because I have piles of laundry and so many dishes, I am not sure if I have any clean. All weekend has been come in drop stuff off eat and off again. I am somewhat excited about Brooke going back to school but upset that I let my emotional wreck get in the way of enrolling Eli. MAybe its not to late! Well I am ranbling and that is not the point of this.

Where do I go from here? So I realize full fledge that I have a problem. I have expressed to those closest to me the way I feel and I am taking daily meds. I still feel so alone. I know I am not because I know God is here with me,but I still feel alone. Who do I tell them ,that when I am in a crowd I feel like my heart is going to pop put of my chest and now that I have kids going anywhere terifies me because I am constanstly looking watching my back. Walmart with kids isn't fun anymore especially when they can all walk and refuse to ride. I am always looking at how others see me( and the kids) Am I being the "fun mom" by letting them ride in front of the buggy or inside the big part of the buggy... DId I pull her back to hard to keep her from knocking into the poor woman. How do I tell anyone that I don't want to leave the house but that I don't have the energy to keep the house up to have anyone over. That I feel an anxiety attack everytime I even look at the dishes or laundry and I that I want to kill the dogs everytime I see they've beenin the dishes and how many ways can you talk, yell, take away TV, toys, and spank kids before they help out?!!!!! I feel like my entire life is a lie! I feel like anyone that thinks they know me only knows what I let them see.

The right Kinda love(friends)

I was never the girl with so many friends that I never had to be alone and while I was a child I felt bad for those girls that were. Now as I have aged those old friends are gone and new friends have come into my life, I am realizing that I am the one responsible to my friendships that failed or never quite light up. I used to cringe at the "can I help you? " Do you need anything?" or "I'll be right here for you" comments. It always made me feel inadiquate or less than I was capable of. I was a "strong" dependent woman would could do anything! Yeah, life has had its way of stripping me of that.Now when I feel the most volunerable and I do feel physically alone, I miss those kind jestures but I know the reason why I no longer get them is because I have turned them down so many times. Just like a friend I once tried to make. I moved to an area that I was not familiar with all but begged for this one person to be friends. Invited the family to house, to the park, to the lake, tried calling texting, I eventually felt like I got the hint that either they were to busy to have friends or just didn't want to be friends with us sooooo I quit making those leaps of faith and asking for company. SO now, why would all those "helpers" want to even offer help anymore. I wouldn't..... I say all this to say if you have those people in your life KEEP them, Talk to them and let them know what you are going through. I thank God he has given me atleast 1 really good friend who has always been here for me and will always be there. But there are so many bridges and ties to some of the others I feel like they are completly non existant.

The best gift ever!

Today is my youngest daughter's birthday. She's the BIG 3. I didn't get much sleep last night but what I did get was great and I was able to get up this morning before anyone and after a short prayer time had a cup of coffee and made cupcakes and waffles( decorated like Dora) with bacon and hash browns. I got all the party supplies ready to go out the door.I did almost all of the dishes before breakfast and managed to get all the dishes done after breakfast too.I even found my bar and cleaned it. It's actuallly still there! I have alot going this morning on but don't feel overwhelmed and I haven't even taken anything this morning! We just got showers and baths and I think everyone should be getting dressed as I type. Today I feel normal!!! I feel like ME! After a little chaoas and a lot of guilt we finally left the house( leaving stickly reminders for everything Daddy was supposed to bring) and made it to Nanny's and got everything decorated and cooked some hotdogs. I was feeling a bit down and hard on mysellf for letting my problems get into the birthday party that she is deserving off. It turned out great though. We had us, including Daddy for a few hours, and couple cousins, an uncle and a great aunt! The kids played and enjoyed the decotations and she didn't even notice that she get as many gifts as others usualy get. She is such a precius child. She didn't care. She was more than happy with her purse, make up, and play jewrly. We stayed all day and finished the day off with supper and some Dora on Nick Jr. I walked in the door once we all got settled, I noticed my stickies had been replaced with more stickies.... "The kitchen looks great." on the kitchen window "Thank you for the coffee" on the coffee pot and "I love you so very much" on the fridge! MY heart swooned!!!!! It was night and the kids did not want to go to bed, I needed those little pick me ups!

Monday July 30 2012 Today has been a little more difficult. I think the kids are on a sugar rush and I am trying to take advantage of this new found energy and I keep getting lost as to what I need to do... Maybe I never learned the one step process as a child. You know where you tell the child to do this, then the chld comes back and THEN you tell them to do something else... I am running in a 1000 directions all while trying to get the kids ti simply clean their room without having to raise my voice! I wish I could say that it's going great but it's not! I must stand firm though, I gave everyone a small break to get a snack and drink and then we'llhit it hard in a few minutes. It also gave me time to write some of this and calm myself. One day at a time! Even if one day seens a step backwards its still another day which equals another step. Its those backwards days that teach us how to keep moving foward. God Bles!

Progress

I've been studing the Proverbs 31 woman/wife/and mother and today I came to realize that she her husband certaintly did not work the night shift! I slept so good last night, for the first time in many nights I slept. I didn't toss and turn, I slept. I knew I should have stayed up once he got home but I wanted to share that feeling with him. It's be so long since I have been abe to curl in his arms and feel the heat of his body next to mine. I embraced it. If only for an hour, I enjoyed each minute through the, "Mom I'm getting a juice" and "Mom, Turn the TV channel." to the eventual CRASH, "I found Marbels" How did they get the marbels off the coke machine? Never mind... ARise and call THEM blessed!

Thankful Heart

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Thankful Heart! Thank you Lord. Thank you for carrying me through this battle, for believing in me and seeing the person you created me to be and showing me that same person! Thank you for lifting me up when I simply couldn't. Thank you for allowing this storm so I can grow, that you for protecting me through this storm but not covering me so much that I could not see it! Thank you for the friends and family you have placed in my life and for covering me in love! Even while I spent 2 days in bed alone, I was not alone. You were there even though I wouldn't go to you. I cannot imagine the deapths of depression that would have emerged had you not been with me. Thank you for providing me the reality and the understandings of the struggles that I have fought for so long! No this is not the way *I* wanted to get help but I trust it is the plan you had instore when you created me! I AM dealing and I understand this will be a progress. Thank you! I know that WE can see the end of this and inspire others that they can too!