Sunday, August 26, 2012

The broken window that wrecked my life!

When you see your life spiriling out of control and you are so depressed that you can't even see it, everyone seems to think that you okay. The faces that we put on each day can be a facade that not many can see through... When you thought I was just lazy, you couldn't see the battle that went on just to get up and face each day. When you thought I was being mean you couldn't understand that I was thinking of how I thought you should be treatng me. When you saw me sad, you just saw me sad, you never thought I wished I didn't exsist. You saw the happy face and assumed all was well. You never thought to ask why I was tired all the time. You never thought to look at my hands to see the marks I left on myself. You never looked deep into my eyes to see the tears. You never did, but it wouldn't have mattered if you did. I hid it well. I lived my life each day with a smile on face when anyone was around, I kept my hands closed, and my glasses or makeup cover my eyes... The battle was within, the battled lived in my head and grew like a cancer in my heart. Then you left and nothing else seemed to mattered. Thats when you assumed the worst in me and never let me explain. That's when the battle started to flow outside like a growth on my back that weighed me down to a point that I no longer cared. No answer would be good enough, No excuse would be heard. Your mind was made and thats all that mattered! Your mind, your feelings, your assumptions overruled anything I could say! Thank you for assuming the worst because it was then that I saw it too and then I realized somethings had to change. Thank you to the person that crashed my life and gave me the stregth to move on be who I am today I wish I knew you in person so I could show you the pain you caused and the friendships you broke but God knew you would do what you did and knew each event that would occur after so Thank you for breaking that window! ...

Monday, August 6, 2012

Crash and Burn

WOW, It's been a busy weekend. School is quickly appproaching for my oldest so all the must do's have been keeping me busy! Good, I suppose but the "crash" feelings are always so hard for me to deal with... Crash feelings is what I call that adrenaline crash where I can go and go and go and feel fine as long as I stay busy but then once all the commotion stops, I crash. Those jitters come on, My head starts to hurts and my heart races and I feel like shutting down. That makes getting anything around the house done very difficult which makes me feel worse about who I am as a Mom and wife and instead of doing something about it, I crawl in bed and just avoid it all. UGH... The cycle is never ending. Tonight as soon as the kids go to sleep, I'm going to try to do something about it because sleep isn't happening, even with the medicine I am on! We'll see how it goes because I have piles of laundry and so many dishes, I am not sure if I have any clean. All weekend has been come in drop stuff off eat and off again. I am somewhat excited about Brooke going back to school but upset that I let my emotional wreck get in the way of enrolling Eli. MAybe its not to late! Well I am ranbling and that is not the point of this.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Where do I go from here? So I realize full fledge that I have a problem. I have expressed to those closest to me the way I feel and I am taking daily meds. I still feel so alone. I know I am not because I know God is here with me,but I still feel alone. Who do I tell them ,that when I am in a crowd I feel like my heart is going to pop put of my chest and now that I have kids going anywhere terifies me because I am constanstly looking watching my back. Walmart with kids isn't fun anymore especially when they can all walk and refuse to ride. I am always looking at how others see me( and the kids) Am I being the "fun mom" by letting them ride in front of the buggy or inside the big part of the buggy... DId I pull her back to hard to keep her from knocking into the poor woman. How do I tell anyone that I don't want to leave the house but that I don't have the energy to keep the house up to have anyone over. That I feel an anxiety attack everytime I even look at the dishes or laundry and I that I want to kill the dogs everytime I see they've beenin the dishes and how many ways can you talk, yell, take away TV, toys, and spank kids before they help out?!!!!! I feel like my entire life is a lie! I feel like anyone that thinks they know me only knows what I let them see.