Sunday, August 26, 2012
When you see your life spiriling out of control and you are so depressed that you can't even see it, everyone seems to think that you okay. The faces that we put on each day can be a facade that not many can see through... When you thought I was just lazy, you couldn't see the battle that went on just to get up and face each day. When you thought I was being mean you couldn't understand that I was thinking of how I thought you should be treatng me. When you saw me sad, you just saw me sad, you never thought I wished I didn't exsist. You saw the happy face and assumed all was well. You never thought to ask why I was tired all the time. You never thought to look at my hands to see the marks I left on myself. You never looked deep into my eyes to see the tears. You never did, but it wouldn't have mattered if you did. I hid it well. I lived my life each day with a smile on face when anyone was around, I kept my hands closed, and my glasses or makeup cover my eyes... The battle was within, the battled lived in my head and grew like a cancer in my heart. Then you left and nothing else seemed to mattered. Thats when you assumed the worst in me and never let me explain. That's when the battle started to flow outside like a growth on my back that weighed me down to a point that I no longer cared. No answer would be good enough, No excuse would be heard. Your mind was made and thats all that mattered! Your mind, your feelings, your assumptions overruled anything I could say! Thank you for assuming the worst because it was then that I saw it too and then I realized somethings had to change. Thank you to the person that crashed my life and gave me the stregth to move on be who I am today I wish I knew you in person so I could show you the pain you caused and the friendships you broke but God knew you would do what you did and knew each event that would occur after so Thank you for breaking that window! ...
Monday, August 6, 2012
WOW, It's been a busy weekend. School is quickly appproaching for my oldest so all the must do's have been keeping me busy! Good, I suppose but the "crash" feelings are always so hard for me to deal with... Crash feelings is what I call that adrenaline crash where I can go and go and go and feel fine as long as I stay busy but then once all the commotion stops, I crash. Those jitters come on, My head starts to hurts and my heart races and I feel like shutting down. That makes getting anything around the house done very difficult which makes me feel worse about who I am as a Mom and wife and instead of doing something about it, I crawl in bed and just avoid it all. UGH... The cycle is never ending. Tonight as soon as the kids go to sleep, I'm going to try to do something about it because sleep isn't happening, even with the medicine I am on! We'll see how it goes because I have piles of laundry and so many dishes, I am not sure if I have any clean. All weekend has been come in drop stuff off eat and off again. I am somewhat excited about Brooke going back to school but upset that I let my emotional wreck get in the way of enrolling Eli. MAybe its not to late! Well I am ranbling and that is not the point of this.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Where do I go from here? So I realize full fledge that I have a problem. I have expressed to those closest to me the way I feel and I am taking daily meds. I still feel so alone. I know I am not because I know God is here with me,but I still feel alone. Who do I tell them ,that when I am in a crowd I feel like my heart is going to pop put of my chest and now that I have kids going anywhere terifies me because I am constanstly looking watching my back. Walmart with kids isn't fun anymore especially when they can all walk and refuse to ride. I am always looking at how others see me( and the kids) Am I being the "fun mom" by letting them ride in front of the buggy or inside the big part of the buggy... DId I pull her back to hard to keep her from knocking into the poor woman. How do I tell anyone that I don't want to leave the house but that I don't have the energy to keep the house up to have anyone over. That I feel an anxiety attack everytime I even look at the dishes or laundry and I that I want to kill the dogs everytime I see they've beenin the dishes and how many ways can you talk, yell, take away TV, toys, and spank kids before they help out?!!!!! I feel like my entire life is a lie! I feel like anyone that thinks they know me only knows what I let them see.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
I was never the girl with so many friends that I never had to be alone and while I was a child I felt bad for those girls that were. Now as I have aged those old friends are gone and new friends have come into my life, I am realizing that I am the one responsible to my friendships that failed or never quite light up. I used to cringe at the "can I help you? " Do you need anything?" or "I'll be right here for you" comments. It always made me feel inadiquate or less than I was capable of. I was a "strong" dependent woman would could do anything! Yeah, life has had its way of stripping me of that.Now when I feel the most volunerable and I do feel physically alone, I miss those kind jestures but I know the reason why I no longer get them is because I have turned them down so many times. Just like a friend I once tried to make. I moved to an area that I was not familiar with all but begged for this one person to be friends. Invited the family to house, to the park, to the lake, tried calling texting, I eventually felt like I got the hint that either they were to busy to have friends or just didn't want to be friends with us sooooo I quit making those leaps of faith and asking for company. SO now, why would all those "helpers" want to even offer help anymore. I wouldn't..... I say all this to say if you have those people in your life KEEP them, Talk to them and let them know what you are going through. I thank God he has given me atleast 1 really good friend who has always been here for me and will always be there. But there are so many bridges and ties to some of the others I feel like they are completly non existant.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Today is my youngest daughter's birthday. She's the BIG 3. I didn't get much sleep last night but what I did get was great and I was able to get up this morning before anyone and after a short prayer time had a cup of coffee and made cupcakes and waffles( decorated like Dora) with bacon and hash browns. I got all the party supplies ready to go out the door.I did almost all of the dishes before breakfast and managed to get all the dishes done after breakfast too.I even found my bar and cleaned it. It's actuallly still there! I have alot going this morning on but don't feel overwhelmed and I haven't even taken anything this morning! We just got showers and baths and I think everyone should be getting dressed as I type. Today I feel normal!!! I feel like ME! After a little chaoas and a lot of guilt we finally left the house( leaving stickly reminders for everything Daddy was supposed to bring) and made it to Nanny's and got everything decorated and cooked some hotdogs. I was feeling a bit down and hard on mysellf for letting my problems get into the birthday party that she is deserving off. It turned out great though. We had us, including Daddy for a few hours, and couple cousins, an uncle and a great aunt! The kids played and enjoyed the decotations and she didn't even notice that she get as many gifts as others usualy get. She is such a precius child. She didn't care. She was more than happy with her purse, make up, and play jewrly. We stayed all day and finished the day off with supper and some Dora on Nick Jr. I walked in the door once we all got settled, I noticed my stickies had been replaced with more stickies.... "The kitchen looks great." on the kitchen window "Thank you for the coffee" on the coffee pot and "I love you so very much" on the fridge! MY heart swooned!!!!! It was night and the kids did not want to go to bed, I needed those little pick me ups!
Saturday, July 28, 2012
I've been studing the Proverbs 31 woman/wife/and mother and today I came to realize that she her husband certaintly did not work the night shift! I slept so good last night, for the first time in many nights I slept. I didn't toss and turn, I slept. I knew I should have stayed up once he got home but I wanted to share that feeling with him. It's be so long since I have been abe to curl in his arms and feel the heat of his body next to mine. I embraced it. If only for an hour, I enjoyed each minute through the, "Mom I'm getting a juice" and "Mom, Turn the TV channel." to the eventual CRASH, "I found Marbels" How did they get the marbels off the coke machine? Never mind... ARise and call THEM blessed!
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
Back from the doctor. My first thought leaving the office was alot really mean things that I won't say aloud but to sum it up basically, I felt like again, he didn't listen to a word I had to say and was only there to take my money! After going down the list of medicines, I've taken and how I responded to them. That one made me feel like a zombie, that one didn't do anything at all, that one is the last I took and worked( as long as I took it) and THAT Oh No never again. That one made me feel like I had bugs crawling inside me and like my head was pop right off my head! Sooooo he decides to put me on.... SOMETHING ELSE!!!! REALLY? Am I a lab rat? UGH... Okay whatever, I'm desperate at this point. He says its like the one that worked but a little stronger. Did he NOT just hear that I have 3 kids to take care of and MUST function through the day! Here take 1 at night and a 1/2 during the day when you get overwhelmed. I'll see you back next month and I want to do some bloodwork. I wanted to scream YOU ARE MAKING ME OVERWHELMED!!!! I resisted and took my little slip and asked him what to do about the pain in jaw, neck, and head. Well you already said your taking Motrin and Alieve so continue that the only thing we ca do is treat the inflamation. UGH AGain. Its NOT really working! I hang my head in disapointment and walk out to the checkout lady, called my husband and gave him the entire spill and came home. After Dr. Google told me everything that was wrong with said medicne I called the on person I knew who would tell me the truth. . . My trusty Pharmasist assitant and friend! ... I feel alot better talking to her so now I'm off with script in hand to start yet another journey with prescription medicine.!!! I really dislike medicine and that I feel like I need to rely on them. I don't know what I'm going to do when I am old. :) Guess I better take care of myself now huh? ! ? Updated 9:00pm Well finally after running around taking care of a few things, I was able to take some of the new medicine. THe first hour I didn't think it worked then I started realizing that those "liitle" things the kids where doing "should" nbe driving me crazy. Hmmmm..... Welllll.... Okay..... Then I started to feel Happy. HAPPY! Actually started playing with the kids and cleaned up a bit and felt an almost "giddy" feeling. It's 9:00 and I finaly evicted them out of my bed because the tickle monsters were starting to hurt me! I am actually feeling sleepy. Not tired but sleepy. I haven't felt sleepy in weeks. I am going to go ahead and take the full one tonight to see how it works since the 1/2 didn't cause any ill effects. Looking foward to more days like today!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012 Good Days and not so good days! Now that I have welcomed you into my acceptance, I need to fully accept it myself.My doctor's apt is tomorrow morning and I am nervous as heck so I will write and maybe will figure out how to tell him how I am feeling. I woke up yesterday after 2 days in bed( not sleeping, I never sleep anymore), later than I'd like to have but again I was up until 2am. I was always told if you couldn't sleep then God wanted to tell you something or you needed to tell Him something.Well let me tell you, I'm just about done talking and I'm not hearing anything except the sound of my breath. I HAD to get up and go get the "babies" so I dressed and headed out the door. Out of coffee NO and in my laziness I hadn't made any tea. It was a morning where water wasn't cutting so I stopped at the store and grabbed a Dew, still in a slumber, when I had the strongest urge for some chips. The saltest chips I could find. I have always craved chips when I get this way. Its the weirdest thing but it happens. I searched and finally decided on some store brand sour cream and onion with chedder. I'd usually opt for Muncho's but knew I needed something less crunchy, something that could dissolve instead of being chewed. I took some Motrin and ate my chips as I drove to Momma's with the local country station blaring. I couldn't really tell you what songs played or by whom since I don't normally listen to secular music. I do remember Lady Antelbellem's song I need you now because I thought now many times do they play this song a day. This one I knew because it must come on atleat every hour or maybe its just everytime I am in listening distnace. 15 minutes later, I am at Momma's and I down my Dew,stuff a mouthful chips in my mouth, and put on my happy face before I walk in to greet my babies. Peyton ran to me meet me while ELi and Brooke hid under the tent to protest that they were not going home! This is a game they play everytime I go to pick them up. On days like this I would normally feel that they just don't love me and might be better off staying but I've finally learned that its just one more way that they show how much they love thier Nanny and PawPaw. I chase them around and tickle until they guilt me into staying for supper. While we were there we played outside on the swing, came in and played in the tent, watched some NickJr, and then went to see their favorite aunt next door. I made some Koolaid and loaded the dishwasher and fixed some treet( Meals are so different there than at home). After playing outside they were all hot so I fixed them each a drink. About 45 minutes later Peytin has a huge uncontrollabe meltdown and I really didn;t want to deal with it but we made it through and then I stop and think.... Organge koolaid. How do you get orange? Red and yellow UGH, how stupid can you be is what I am thinkingto myself, so I take Peytins Koolaid away and make some lemonaid. If you follow on Fb you know that we are keeping Peyton away from Red Dye. Now I'm beat and Peyton is asleep so I send the oldest over and read while Peyton naps. Peyton wakes up and we head over.She asked if we wanted to go berry picking. No part of me wanting to be out in the Forida heat at 4:00 to pick blueberries but I knew the kids would enjoy it and they LOVE blueberries so we head off after it takes 30 minutes to find and on shoes. After all that Peyton still ended up in just socks. They enjoyed riding down the country road without their carseats! That was a big treat since I am a carseat Natzi most of the time. We walking and picked for about 20 minutes before my oldest, Brooke, was done. She informed us she was hot and sweating and going back to the truck. We made her stay about 10 minutes longer and finished up. We poured our berried each into one bucket to see that together the 5 of us picked almost 1 ice cream bucket full. Back to Aunts to wash our bounty and put them away. I left that to my Sister in law while I went to Momma's t help out with supper. My favorite hamburgers. Nothing gets better than feeling the squishy gooey hamburger meat into the round disk that will soon be douvered inside buns. Can you hear the sarcism, I hope so. Anyway, its done and its back to rounding up the kids for supper. Suprisinly not that bad this time. I only had one protest and that was Brooke wanting to eat Speghetti with her Aunt instead of hamburgers with us. That make so much sense since she hates hamburger meat. She opted for tomotoe, fries, and a peice of lettuce. It woud not suprise me one bit when she decides she wants to become a vegitarian. I used to make her eat meat but I've learned many other ways to get her to eat protien. She does love hotdogs and bolonga and chicken nuggets. I think only because its so far from what it really is and I haven't bothered to tell them. Anyway we eat and finally load up to come home. Each of them telling their stories and singing their own songs eventually ends up in a fight when Eli sings and Peyton can't hear herself. I love my kids but they fight over the silliest things. Home! Bedtime! Fight! GARBAGE!!!!( dead dog walking again) 45 minutes of unloading and making beds, calming down, and tucking in and all is quite. This and that are out in 30 more minutes and the other an hour later. Now its time for Mommy to relax and spend time with Daddy right? WRONG! Once the comotion settles my jaw is unbearable and nothing is touching the pain. Tylonal, Motrin, Nyquil. Still awake until 1am and tossing and turning until the kids come in at 8:00 ready to start their day. Today! Dishes piled up, and a list of things that need to be done! Motrin downed with no relief, breakfast done, and it's already time for lunch!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Avoiding the white coats. This is how I feel so often, like anyday someone in a white coat will show up at my door and take me away. Life is stressful, we all know that. What some don't realize is just how stressful it can be for some. A struggle I have battled as long as I could remember. A child that always cared way to much what people thought about me to a preteen with serious stomach problems caused by stress. "Nervous Stomach" that is what the doctor called it when I missed a week of school in the fith grade and was physically sick because I cheated on a test and didn't want to be caught. Then came middle school and I "survived" by being activly invisible. What does that mean exactly well basically I did everything there was to do without drawing any attention to myself. I tried cheerleading, band, chorus, eventually moved to highschool and found Drama and Color Gaurd. My same little group of friends, same teachers, same good grades, same invisible me. What noone knew was that being smart didn't come easily for me. I never slept and I spent all my alone time in my room doing homework. I'd actually lock myself into my room before a test until I knew that I knew that I knew, I'd not only pass but get a B or above. A C wa not acceptable in my eyes. When it got to be to much I'd bite the upper part of my thumb stopping just before it would bleed. I managed to date, have a social life, graduate with honours, and continue to college. I held down two jobs in college with a full time course load. Planned a wedding and finished with my AA degree and AAS degree. Noone knew that in between classes I would be in the bathroom or in my car with my heart pounding so hard I was struggling to breath. A handful of people have seen the severity of my "episodes". I'm pretty sure, it scared the hell out of them. How would you feel if you were to witness the "Got it togther gal" in a bathroom crying because it feels like the only way you can breath at all. Shaking to the point you can no longer stand. Crying more and pyhically not being able to stop. Breathing only in between tears and sobs, if even then. I eventually learned to hold a glass of water. Somehow the action of focusing on holding the glass of water and the cool water on my lips helped. The first time I experienced this was before I left high school and was told I had an "allergic reaction to a cough syrup". Hmmm.. Okay? It continued without the cough sryup. Afterwards, I could pick myself up to continue through the day and then would be so wiped out that I would sleep for days if I could. It wasn't always an option so I forced through in a happy zombie like state, never knowing if anyone noticed it or not. My friends know when I disapear to just give me time. It got really bad after I lost Kaylee. I kept moving on though. I was at my neices 5 birthday party the day after my surgery.You can read Hearts Changed Lives rearranged for that experience and the depression I suffured through then.... I think I am getting better then life slaps me on the back and puts me on the floor. Now its the small things that I bottle up and take it out on my mouth. My gums like hamburger and my teeth grinded down to the point of chipped and barely there. I eventually explode. Not by yelling or throwing things like when I was a child, but by crying, shaking, chest pounding, and feeling like I am not worthy or anything including life itself. I start getting headaches daily that turn to migraines and then my TMJ flairs up to the point I can barely talk or eat and I am in pain constantly, eating Motrin and Tylonal.I've taken all the meds then I think I'm okay and God's got this and life gets in the way and I don't take the time to go to the doctor to get meds, I blame something else, not having the money or being able to get a sitter. Life right! I am slowing learning that as a parent the BEST thing we can do is take care of ourselves. I do not want my children to remember me this way. Staying up until 3 and 4 am and staying in bed until 10am only getting up to turn on TV and get juice and cereal for everyone. My 6 year old has even started taking on that responsibilty coming in to wake me and tell me that she got the "babies" something for breakfast. How sweet and sad is that? I finally get up but I am not there. I try to be happy, but deep down I know that know. I can see it through their eyes that they want to make Mommy happy! Their smiles, their songs, their hugs I know they love me and for the most part only see the happy me. I've gotten really good at "hiding" my feelinsg but it has really put a hurting on me, my life and the life of our family. That is not faiar to anyone. SO I called, while in a "controlable" attack and had someone come get the kids, and made the doctors apt. I stand today and realize that I will NO LONGER let this control me. If it takes meds again I will go that route again. You name it I've taken it. Some good some made me feel even crazier than I already feel. I've done the "talking to people" now I am going to try writing and sharing. I feel my best when I am writing. i don't care that I am not good at it or that I have huge run on setentces, followed by sentenses that start and end with prepisitions and that my spelling or atrosious. None of that matters right now. What matters is that I am dealing and for others to know that you are not alone and I pleed with you if you are going through PLEASE do something about it! Also never assume that you know what is going on in someones life. That smile, that hello, or that wave could change their entire day. Don't simply walk through life and ignore everyone around you. Life is to short and to meaningful